So you’re dating. Great. All those feels, am I right?
Seriously though. Those feels. They make you crazy. Like actually: neurochemistry goes wack for a while when you’re with a new person. For over a year sometimes.
There are probably a million questions you should ask (if you’re a perfectionist) to really get to know someone and figure out if they’re for you. If you’re wise, at least some of those should be hard questions about the quality of the relationship.
Here are 3 to ask yourself. They might sound simple at first, but try and let them sink in, and be very honest with the answers.
1) Do you like your significant other?
I’m sure you feel like you love them, but do you like them? I mean, do you genuinely enjoy them like a friend and like someone you just plain like to have around? Do they make everything in life better, or would you kinda rather they stay home sometimes?
Someone shared recently that they were dating someone who was great on paper, but after a little while they realized that they never wanted to be around this person alone. In fact, they dreaded it.
Is that you? Are you eager for a date to finish? Are you sometimes wishing you could have some other company with you so that things would be more “fun”?
Consider that a lot of marriage will be just the two of you. How much would marriage suck if you didn’t really enjoy the plain old company of your partner?
2) Do you find yourself embarrassed by them?
Are you proud to show them off to your friends (I’m not talking physically)? Do you genuinely like the idea of being seen by their side? Or do you cringe when they open their mouths when you’re with company?
This is going to be a lot of your life. People will see you with this person. It will be awkward for you, not to mention mentally and emotionally stressful, if you generally don’t feel happy that people think of them when they think of you.
Furthermore, consider that “birds of a similar feather fly together”. If your friends don’t get along with them or seem out of place, or vice-versa with their friends, that may be a clue that the two of you will want to hang out with different people. That’s no fun. You may end up with entirely different friend groups and will find yourselves apart during times when best friends should be together. Food for thought.
3) Do you make the 5:1 ratio?
Researcher John Gottman has shown that a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions is a minimum requirement for a successful marriage. If you’re lower than that, you’re in trouble.
Some of this ratio is likely within your control, but you might also think back to question #1. If you don’t like and respect your partner, it’s going to be a lot harder for the two of you to have the positive interactions you’ll need for emotional and relational health.
This doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for such marriages – I’m a firm believer there is (see the Gottman Institute article for some help). But if you’re dating, it may be unwise to knowingly jump (or slip!) into a marriage with a bad outlook. Even if your current partner is the one for you, it would be better to start off on the right foot.
Gary Thomas writes that “…people marry people they don’t like all the time” (The Sacred Search, emphasis mine). Why might this be? Perhaps some are insecure about breaking up. Others might not want to make a scene. This is especially true the more attached you are or the further along you are in the relationship.
Don’t let that be you, friends. Take heart, get help, and act; you’ll be fine. In fact, you (and they) will be better off going through a tough break up now than a divorce (or contemptuous marriage) down the line.
I’ve been there. It took me way too long to end a relationship that should have finished much earlier. I’m thankful I made the call I did, for both my sake and hers. And I’ll end there: consider that your partner may even have the harder time being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like or respect them for who they are. Ending things may be as much a favour to them as it is the right choice for yourself.
Keep thinking friends. Even if you’re completely crazy for someone!
